It's extremely difficult trying to decide what to do with the rest of your life when you can hardly figure out who you really are as a person. It seems as if there is some great schism or conflict in my mind and perhaps even in my identity. I don't know that I can even point to the reason or cause for this, but perhaps that is because there are more than one. I feel almost as if I am in some trap or situation which warrants fleeing, and so I am compelled by some inner urge or instinct to excape my current situation. Maybe I just need something to change... These last few weeks, It's been like everything is frozen and yet at the same time speeding forward, and I have no idea or control over where things are headed. I'm flying by the seat of my pants; shooting in the dark, running blind folded, completely and utterly trapped by this situation. I can't even exactly point to what's wrong with it though, I just know and feel in my gut that something isn't quite right. Is it because Roy is back? The general principle of that matter goes against my grain but when I examine the matter deeper, I wonder why or if it is really a problem at all. I'm concerned about what is likely to happen where he's involved, yet that would mostly affect my mom and little sister, whereas I'm old enough to fend for myself if need be. But I would still be affected. It is not in my nature to ignore matters of principle nor is it in my nature to stand by while my family is put in danger, yet I no longer feel as if I have the strength to do otherwise. Therein lies the conflict, or at least most of it.
Meanwhile, here I am trying to decide on a career path. What college and degree is right for me? But then how do I answer that question when I'm not even sure what I want to do with mylife? I want whatever it is to matter and be significant but I don't know in what way or how. I could see myself as a diplomat or ambassador in the State Department, in which case I should probably go with a Political Science degree. I belive I could be significant and happy in that career. However, there is still the matter of choosing, and succeeding in attending, a college or university. If I don't move out for another four or five years, I could most likely get that degree from a pretty good university without taking on debt. Debt is something I prefer to avoid wholeheartedly. However, if I were to move out and work my way through college (hopefully with scholarships), then I could truly earn the degree myself. It is almost as if I am choosing between the safer, surer, and tamer way versus the more difficult but more adventurous path. I am usually a fan of the latter.
If I were to move out, I would be getting away from the stressing conflict involving Roy etc., but I would be giving up a free education. That free education however, involved attending a private Catholic university and I'm not even Catholic, though I respect some of their views. I'm not sure I even want to attend this school, even if it is free. I don't just want an education, I want an education with which I can be happy and satisfied. Also, if I moved out; I would have to rely on family/friends for a place to live with cheap rent, I would have to rely at least partly on scholarships, and I would have to get a job and work my way through college. Though, I really should get a job either way. It doesn't look good to be 22 years old without previous work history, even if you have a degree. I'm already worried about not having gotten a job yet; which is another product of my situation.
The more I look at the trade-offs, the more the situation just appears to be a wash. Maybe it really just comes down to pursuit of happiness. But it's hard knowing what would really make me happy long term. Perhaps all I can do for now is wait for something to change, but I feel as if this decision/circumstance is bearing down on me and pushing me to the limit.
